I Was Raped

If you are reading this you must be a rape victim also. I do not assume I know how you feel. Every rape is different, every attack is different. But my heart breaks for you, I understand the devastation that rape can bring. I was raped over 20 years ago now but it some ways it still seems like yesterday.

Were You Raped?

If you were raped recently please seek help or call the hotline number (1.800.656.HOPE). Please report this attack to the police, take that step for yourself, and for the rapist's next victim. Please know God loves you and His heart is breaking for you also.

I Don't Understand Why I Was Raped...‎

One thing I want you to know is many times, as in my case, when I was raped I was also controlled and manipulated. This can be very confusing. Please understand that some people are very skilled at manipulation and we can fall prey to that.

When we say "I was raped" those words only state a small fraction of the damage done to us as rape victims.

If you were raped long ago, I know you can suffer a long time from this. I am hoping that my story will bring you some comfort and some healing. I know how long this pain can go on.

At 15 I Was Raped

When I was a 15-year-old virgin, I had hopes and dreams that one day I would marry as a virgin bride. The groom would be a wonderful, handsome man that I would love and cherish for the rest of my life. My future was exciting. I felt wonder and anticipation when I thought about the special man who would come into my life.

Then one night, this dream came to a crashing halt, when on a casual date with a friend from school, I was raped.

The rape started a pattern of bitterness and rebellion in my heart. I became confused. This so called "friend" threatened to tell everyone that we had slept together, which would destroy my reputation.

I was confused, angry, and filled with hate.

My life fell into a spiral of depression. He knew that I didn't want the reputation of someone who slept around, so he used my fear to trap me into a relationship with him. The nightmare continued day after day as he physically abused me and threatened me with what he would do if I ever left.

He played mind games and continued to force himself on me sexually.

I was going through the first rape experience over and over again. I couldn't believe that he had bullied his way into my life and was controlling me with fear. I hated him!

He talked to me about marriage and having kids together and for the first and only time in my life, I contemplated killing myself. The thought of marrying this guy that I hated and despised and spending the rest of my life with him, overwhelmed me. I would never marry him.

Trapped in silence for that entire year, I lost 20 pounds. I was depressed and stressed from my horrifying nightmare. I didn't tell anyone what I was going through - not even my best friend.

Why didn't I break the silence?

Maybe I was ashamed. Maybe I was trying to bury my sick, shameful past of being sexually abused by my uncle as a child. Whatever the reason, I remained silent, trying to live a halfway normal life, all the while feeling like a big zero.

Then, through a number of difficult circumstances, the sick relationship ended, but the painful, abusive relationship continued to have its effect on me for years.

The terror may have ended physically, but emotionally it was haunting me every moment.

My only solace was to numb the pain. I began to party hard and became rebellious towards my parents.

I was angry and critical and didn't trust anyone. I kept the pain of the rape and sexual abuse locked up tight. I didn't tell anyone until after I married my high school sweetheart, Rick Brown. Only then did I finally break the silence and tell him about my hidden past.

Justified Wrongs

I felt entitled to my hatred toward the one who had controlled my life, raped, and abused me. I was overwhelmed with resentment and bitterness toward him. I was unforgiving, unmerciful, and desired to do evil. I felt driven to get even.

I kept a long list of the wrongs that he had done to me. I was consumed with hatred and allowed my sin to become a part of my everyday life in the name of justification.

But as my mind and spirit were overcome with hatred, it was robbing me of my joy and wasn't pleasing to the Lord. I knew that I had to stop re-living the abuse in my mind and stop keeping a record of wrongs.

Then one day...

I began meditating on two important Scriptures (Romans 1:21-22 and Hebrews 12:15):
"Although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools." Romans 1:21-22.
"Looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled." Hebrews 12:15.

I learned that one of the most important steps I had to take was to look into my own heart and be willing to SEE what was in it. I saw sins stemming from roots of bitterness, unforgiveness, and futile thoughts of getting even. And as a result, I was blocking God out of my life in the very moments that I needed Him the most! I was a Christian woman, a pastor's wife, and a child of God, but was full of hatred that was destroying me.

Like Romans 1:21-22 describes, my heart had been darkened. God shined His spotlight on my self-centered heart and it was foolish.

I had never realized how my bitterness, hatred, resentment, and unforgiveness had prevented God's love from coming in.

Totally broken and repentant, I gave it all to God and asked for His forgiveness. After this, I genuinely forgave the one who raped me. When I became an open vessel, I not only received God's love, but also received God's thoughts. Having the mind of Christ, I was then able to SEE things more clearly and from God's perspective.

As Jesus hung on the cross He said, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." Luke 23:34. Are there any areas from your painful experiences that you are dealing with in a wrong way? These could include holding record of wrongs, resentment, bitterness, judgment, hatred, or jealously. Confess them now and ask for God's forgiveness. What does God promise to do according to 1 John 1:9? This scripture is thought of as the Christian bar of soap. Write down your thoughts.

Thankful

It is never right to rape someone, but God did help me to SEE there were things to be thankful for, even in my year of terror brought about by the date-rape experience. I wrote out a list of 10 things that God showed me. I encourage you to try to do the same. It will help you change your perspective and begin the process of becoming free from this hurtful experience.

Rape Victim - Becoming Free

Hurt doesn't go away by itself. If you are denying the hurt, it will always find ways to express itself forming roots of bitterness, which can hurt you and others in your life. It's time to get real with God about what is in your heart. You can try to bury your heartache by putting on a smile, but on the inside your heart will still be filled with fear, shame, resentment, guilt, unforgiveness, self-centered desires, jealousy, and uncontrolled anger.

Emotional scars can effect other areas of your life too: your marriage, your children, your friendships, and your school or job performance.

You may have turned to harmful behaviors of drug and alcohol abuse, deep depression, suicidal tendencies, eating disorders, outbursts of anger, or rebellion. Stop and think about how the deep hurt and unacceptable action of being raped has manifested itself in your life.

I understand, I, like you, didn't want it to effect my life either or manifest itself into destructive ways in my life. But it did! I just had to stop long enough to think about the ways it was destroying me. I had to be honest with myself.

Yes indeed, it was hard looking at who I was becoming. How my hurting heart was hurting others around me. Life is to short to let Anger Rule! I wanted to live the rest of my life as a person who understands and applies forgiveness so I can be set free from the bitterness and hate. Forgiven people should want to be forgiving people. I wanted to live in away that I was celebrating the life God has give me.

I wanted to love and care about people with out any fear of being hurt.

So please, if the hurt from this horrible event is making you miserable take the first steps to becoming truly free from the pain of this attack. Allow God to begin to heal your heart through the freedom that comes through forgiveness.